Since I haven’t posted in over a week I thought I would just start the week off with Payton’s six-week pictures. We haven’t been up to much here. I have been spending a lot of time at my parents and Jim just spent this past weekend snowboarding at June Mountain with a co-worker. This Thursday Payton gets to meet her Grandpa Sven and Grandma Toni for the first time so that should be exciting and then on Friday we have my Grandmother’s memorial at the Temecula Creek Inn. It will most likely be a non-post week as I have a lot to prepare for Friday but wanted to give an update as to what’s going on in our neck of the woods!

On another note, it’s February 1st which marks my first official day of getting back on a workout routine and eating healthier to get rid of the thirty-nine pounds I still have to lose. I am going to be joining Weight Watchers so look for weekly updates, my goal is to get back to my “old” body by my birthday in June. I am a little hesitant that my hips will never go back and that my beloved Hudson’s and True Religions will be donated but I have to start somewhere. Starting weight 169. Yes, I said 169. Ugh. Let’s hope I never see this number ever again. But it was all for a beautiful reason, even if it was one hamburger at a time. 🙂

I caught her mid smile on Friday

My lil cupcake at 6 weeks.

On the morning of January 20^th I lost my Grandmother. I had been dreading this day for the longest time but I am at peace because she is no longer in pain and can finally rest. I was lucky enough to have a remarkable relationship with my Grandma; she was one of my best friends and someone I could talk to forever. As a child I remember always wanting to be around her and my Grandpa, I loved their stories, the food they cooked, helping them around the house, watching a good martial arts movie and the afternoon hour of Phil Donahue. I blame them for my old soul. When school wasn’t in session I always looked forward to going into “town”, my Grandma always referred to L.A as town when they would make their weekly trips to pick-up inventory for their business. For many that did not know my Grandparents they sold antique gumball machines and candy at the Orange County Swap Meet for 35 years. When we would make our trips into town Grandma and I would typically stop at Burger King off of Magnolia on the 15 freeway to get me a croissant breakfast sandwich and made our way into the city listening to KNX 1070 so I could catch the ten minute broadcast of the Two Hot Tamales as they gave their recipe of the day. Grandma and I would talk about everything on these rides; life, death, what KISS FM was playing and what we would do on our way home after we visited Javier and Garvey Nut and Candy. I remember one conversation vividly where we were listening to 104.3 and “Wind Beneath my Wings” came on the radio. We listened to the song and once the new song started to play she turned to me and told me to make sure that Bette Midler’s song made it to her funeral. I never listened to that song the same once she said those words and I would tell her that she is still young and that I never wanted to think about that day because life without her seemed impossible. Since my Grandparents had their own business I spent a lot of my weekends out at the swap meet working for them. If I put in a good day’s work Grandpa would pay me my $2 but when he wasn’t looking Grandma would slip me a $20 and always told me not to say anything, but I am sure Grandpa knew what she was doing all along. To them I owe my work ethic and my money counting skills, because as Grandpa would say, “if you can’t count money back correctly you can’t work for us”. I know he would have let me work for them even if I couldn’t count because I was the apple of their eye as they were mine.

That was my childhood, perfect and filled with love. As I got older I would continue to spend time with them. We would go out for Chinese or they would come visit me at TGI Friday’s. I always found time for them. When my Grandma moved into my parents house in 2005 after my Grandpa had his stroke and was “taken” away by his children a piece of her died. She yearned for him and in my opinion she was never the same once they were separated. There were happy moments like the summer she took my sister and I to Oahu for a week’s vacation on the shore of Waikiki. It was one of the best vacations I had ever been on. Or, the time we took her to Santa Barbara for her 83rd birthday, when she received her meal she gasped and stated, “that’s a good looking piece of meat”. We all died at the table laughing, it was just one of those moments where we were all on the same page, that dinner was simply amazing. She was amazing. For our wedding she gave Jim and I trip of a lifetime and sent us to Jamaica. Because her and Grandpa had been there a few times we were able to live through them as we traveled there, understanding parts of stories they had told us in our early years of dating. The thing about my Grandma that made her the most sincere person was that she never got mad at us, if she did; I have erased it from my memory. She wanted the best for her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. You could never tell her no, because she would find some way of slipping money in your pocket or just doing it anyway. I find the same quality in my Mother, maybe it’s a maternal trait or something that has been passed down throughout the generations, I am not sure but I do know that I hope I can be just like them with my own daughter.

Elnor Jean Turk will be greatly missed by many. Makayla misses her Mimi and will remember her by eating chocolates while reading the Nutcracker. Ethan will probably remember one of the songs that she sang to him as a baby. For my sweet nieces and nephew they only had a few short years. I am fortunate to have had twenty-seven years of incredibly sweet memories that will never be forgotten. She will never be forgotten because no matter where I am in the world she will be with me everywhere I go.

Grandma, may you finally be at peace. I hope you spend your days catching up with loved ones and continue to watch over your family until we meet again.

With all my love forever,

Missy

Oahu 2006

Santa Barbara 2008

With Rosemarie at our wedding in 2007

At my Mother’s High School Graduation (great-grandma, mom and grandma)

Family Photo Shoot 2008

One of my favorite childhood pictures.

On December 22nd we went to our first pediatrician appointment where Payton was measured and weighed. Her stats were: 6 pounds 14 ounces and 19 inches long. First thought, how did my baby shrink 2 1/4 inches and second, that 8 ounces sure turned into a lot more; so much for not having a problem. Dr. Martinez suggested that we begin supplementing with formula over the week of Christmas to see if we could get back to her birth weight. It took until her three-week appointment to get back up to 8 pounds 1.2 ounces. Not a big deal, she is growing, thriving and excelling already.

The hospital had given me a breast pump as rental for a month’s use. The first time I pumped I got .5 ounces and this was discouraging. At that moment I realized that this was going to be harder than I thought, but soon went to the message boards to see if this was normal. I would learn that for c-section mother’s it takes a little longer for their milk to come in, taking as much as a full month to fully come in. I would continue to pump, breast feed and supplement. Week four came around and I was so excited to see if my milk was really coming in, so I was making sure that I would breast feed, supplement and then wait two hours to pump. The first time I did this I got 2 ounces! Great news! I was so excited and kept this up for the rest of the day but the results were not as promising. The most I was able to pump for the remainder of the week was anywhere from .25 to 1 ounce. This obviously is not enough milk to provide for my growing baby and proves why she is a hysterical mess while I feed her. I have to be honest here; watching my baby get so emotionally worked-up, pulling on and off, screaming and kicking is the hardest thing I have experienced thus far. I get emotional right along with her. I question myself, my body and how I have failed yet again and just cry while I mix a bottle of formula. Why does this have to be so difficult? I’ve been tested, I get it, but not be able to provide my milk is the most crushing feeling in the world. I am not asking for sympathy, because I know I am definitely not alone on this issue. I just need to get this out because it is killing me. I have tried my hardest for four weeks, two days and have come to the conclusion that my baby will be formula fed. I trust that formula will still provide the nutrients required for healthy development and hope that she has received enough of my anti-bodies thus far to help rid off any illness during the winter months.

An update on Payton’s weight. The last time she was weighed at the pediatrician was on January 5th. Last night Jim weighed her and she weighed in at 9 pounds 12 ounces. These numbers could be slightly different than the doctor’s office but she is obviously getting enough from the formula. At some feedings she is taking in 4 to 5 ounces but mostly she takes in 2 ounces. We are currently using one can of Enfamil Premium Lipil formula a week, thank golly for target coupons and Costco!