Move along. That's what my personal mantra has been since the Summer of 2010, even though the All-American Rejects had been singing that chorus into my head since 2005, I didn't know the meaning until I hit rock bottom. The year of 2010 was the hardest year I have yet to experience in my thirty years. I had to do a lot of soul searching; I cried a lot, I held a lot in, I had a fucked up delivery of my daughter, I felt bullied by new moms, I lost friends, I lost my Grandma, lost my career, I truly lost me. If you've been reading this blog 'o mine long enough you know that I have been very open about my battles with depression. I truly believe that until you are faced with depression or are close to someone who is struggling you cannot comprehend what one is really going through. I struggle often and have recently started to feel the way I did three years ago. The moment I started feeling the heavy breathing and tunnel closing in on me I called my sister and then sent a lengthy e-mail to my best friend. Three years ago I couldn't do that. I would get pissed, close myself off and deal with it privately. The anxiety reemerging was scary, I played more games with myself than anything. Questioning why I would let myself get to this point after my soul searching and personal defeat of this debilitating disease. I am way stronger than this crap.
Last night while at work I had a deep conversation with one of the only employees left that I hired. It was nice, a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and respect regained. I could talk about my struggles in 2010, I could laugh about it, hell, I even teared up, body shaking in fear. Talking about your faults, your mistakes is a terrifying son of a bitch but it's healthy to move along.
I tend to let myself get too attached to people. Why, I do not know. I thought I had learned my lesson in 2010 but after you guard yourself for so long and someone nice comes around you seem to open right back up. I thought I would live a guarded life, I mistook myself and will now live guarded. I think when enough shit has happened to you, you only start to trust the ones that know what you're experiencing. I am so happy that I have the support I need, some new, some old, but they get me. They get my quirks, my looks, my bitchy yet sarcastic comments that should only be taken as silly not figuratively.
Last night was eye opening. I have kept strong, I have moved on and now it's time to keep the hope alive.
Thanks All-American Rejects for composing a song that I have lived by since my early twenties, I just didn't get it until now. Funny how life is.